Cavernous Storybook
by xandermartin98
Summary: Taking place rather directly before the events of Cave Story proper, this story is a short yet sweet satirical tale of the incredibly bizarre and hilarious exploits of Jack and Mahin, two extremely minor characters who end up playing a disturbingly large role in shaping the game's backstory through their outrageous antics.
1. Just What The Doctor Ordered

CAVERNOUS STORYBOOK: A VERY SPECIAL MIMIGA MILITARY ACTION SUPER VIDEO GAME PREQUEL ISLAND SHOWDOWN THRILLER NOVEL

CHAPTER 1: JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED

For many years now, there has been an often frequently retold legend of the now world-famous humanoid robot known as Quote, what with his daring exploits and his equally daring outfit.

No one wore a black tank top, red jeans and a red cap quite like Quote did. With the help of his beautiful female counterpart known as Curly Brace, he saved an entire floating sky island full of innocent, fluffy little humanoid lop-eared rabbit creatures known as the Mimiga from certain doom and eventual destruction.

However, that is not what this story is about. It is about what happened right before that adventure started. Although all too many Cave Story fan-fictions in the past have already done this exact same narration, this one is a prequel like no other.

One day in Mimiga Village, deep within the very same floating island that I mentioned before, war had been breaking out for quite some time. All of the Mimiga there were racking their brains trying to think of a new strategy that wouldn't get them all killed.

Honestly, the stuff they had to work with was pretty limited. I mean, they had King, a purple-cloaked, orange-eyed, short-tempered ninja swordsman who was considerably more bark than he was bite and used his fighting skills mainly to protect his ridiculously cute little sister Toroko.

And then there was King's twin brother Jack, a green-jacketed, Russian-hatted, comically bespectacled dork-a-saurus rex who had a disturbingly remarkable amount of experience in the art of war despite being one of the weirdest and most socially inept people you could ever hope to meet.

And then of course there was Mahin, a fat, ugly, green-jacketed loser who had pretty much never taken a bath or showered in his entire life and basically held that as his claim to fame, much to everyone else's chagrin (not to mention unconsciousness from how awful he smelled). More importantly, he was also a dirty coward who was considerably more manipulative than he appeared. Although he was Jack's best friend, he would still sell Jack out for a dollar any day.

Next up, we have Toroko, a beautifully chubby, permanently blushing, green-skirted little baby bunny girl sweetie-pie who pretty much existed for the sole purpose of being just that and nothing else. Her mouth often produced more adorable little squeaky noises than it did words, and one of her favorite things to do was to literally just curl up into a smiling, giggly fur ball and bounce up and down. Needless to say, she was by far the cutest of our five main characters.

Last but not least, there was also Chako, an incredibly voluptuous, purple-furred, red-lipsticked, blue-skirted woman who used her own massive whoredom to her advantage. No one quite knew whether or not to respect her for this, but it sure was delicious eye candy to watch. The red ribbon in her hair certainly helped too.

Add to that the fact that Sandaime was an ambiguously drug-producing farmer and Kanpachi was an obsessively dedicated fisherman who spent months upon weeks upon days trying to catch a stupid fish with Jay Leno's chin on it, and that's pretty much all you need to know about the Mimigas for now.

Now, with all of those boring obligatory character descriptions out of the way, it is now time to begin the actual story. Roll the tapes!

In the throne room way up on the marble balcony atop the floating island, our story began with the two main villains sitting together at a stone table, discussing their plot to take over society. They were a lab-coated, bespectacled, green-haired man known as the Doctor and a mysterious, dark-blue-cloaked, blue-haired witch known as Misery.

The former had a mysterious, cubical dark blue crown with a single, bleeding red eyeball resting atop his head; said crown was known only as the Demon Crown, and for reasons that will become progressively more obvious as this story unfolds.

"So...have you found anything of note, my beloved apprentice?" the Doctor asked Misery smugly, taking a sip of his last remaining glass of tea as Misery finished hers.

"Yes, master." Misery replied. "I have confirmed that the mysterious robotic soldier from the surface is now on our side, sir."

"You mean that kid who dresses as a Pokémon trainer? What harm could he possibly cause to the Mimiga?" the Doctor laughed. "If anything, we should be looking upon him with an attitude of extreme derision!"

"Do not underestimate the power of awkwardly and flamboyantly dressed Japanese super-beings, my lord." Misery warned him. "The man already has numerous built-in weapons and abilities at his disposal as we speak; luckily, he hasn't suffered from amnesia and therefore forgotten about said powers just yet."

"Ah yes, the tried-and-true amnesia cliché..." the Doctor groaned, sighing. "At this point, I would daresay it's even more old and tired than my great-great grandfather, and he's _dead!_ Speaking of which...by the time our work here is done, I had better see every single Mimiga on this island brought straight to my plantation by any means necessary, dead or alive."

"Y-Yes, sir!" Misery stammered. "I promise I won't let you down!"

"That's what you said when you stayed up all night on your iPad the other night and forgot how to teleport." the Doctor reminded her, folding his arms behind him and rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah, that..." Misery laughed. "Hey, come on, I was just trying to figure out how to get the stupid worthless thing to make cheese! Cut me a break, would you?"

"We can no longer afford breaks, my dear friend." the Doctor explained, turning his back to her and gazing out at the beautiful pink sunset on the distant horizon. "We have only one or two days left, you see. And if our time runs out, EvilCorp is going to fire us! Do you even realize yet what that could mean for us, you pathetic imbecile?"

"Um...we get to stop doing this and move on to something less one-dimensionally pure evil and sadistic?" Misery asked, shrugging her shoulders.

"NO, you fool!" the Doctor raised his voice at her, slamming his fist on the table and gritting his teeth. "It means that the two of us will have no choice but to mindlessly follow the Demon Crown's orders until the day I die! And at that point, we'll pretty much just be doing it for excrement and laughter! Do you understand how _serious_ this is?"

"YES!" Misery squealed with terror. "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

"If you don't _at least_ make a solid effort to fulfill your main purpose in this mission, then that is _exactly_ what I shall do!" the Doctor laughed.

"No need to worry, Doc!" Misery informed him. "Our Shovel Brigade army of Mimiga is already being force-fed a whole bunch of red flowers!"

"And?" the Doctor asked her quizzically, cocking one of his eyebrows.

"I've already sent them on a mission to capture Mimiga Village by storm and crush all of the weak and pathetic naysayers who oppose them! We will be feasting on sweet, sweet victory before we even know it!" Misery laughed.

"GWAHAHAHAHA!" the two of them laughed maniacally in terrifyingly boldened italic font, their chortles echoing into the night. "Hey, before we continue laughing, could you please spare me an ice-cold martini with an olive for added evil effect?" the Doctor whispered in Misery's ear.

The Doctor drank his martini and then burped loudly into the night, causing the two of them to continue laughing like despicable douchebags. "Hey, would you please SHUT THE HELL UP for heaven's sake?! I'm trying to SLEEP in here!" God yelled at them.

"This is getting really awkward..." Misery muttered to herself. "I swear to Christ, the Doctor doesn't even _pay_ me enough for this shit!"

" _What was that?"_ the Doctor swung around and asked her, leaning toward her intimidatingly.

"Oh, it was _nothing_ , sir!" Misery laughed nervously.


	2. Unexpectedly Grave Consequences

CHAPTER 2: Unexpectedly Grave Consequences

Meanwhile, in the Assembly Hall next to the graveyard back in Mimiga Village, our main protagonists were having a far different discussion that, although certainly much less limited in its interpretations, was unfortunately no less long-winded than those of the villains.

"Oh my god, who the hell _cares_ about which of us gets to eat afterwards? Besides me, of course?" Mahin groaned. "Seriously, would you morons please just get to the freaking _point_ already? It's already been long enough since the last time I bathed as is!"

"He does have a point, bro." Jack informed King, pointing at King with his finger. "We've been talking for, like, literally half a god-forsaken _hour_ now! Must I remind you how little time there is for us to carry out our plan?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot what we were even talking about fifteen minutes ago!" King replied sarcastically, crossing his arms. "Go ahead and remind us, four-eyes! What's our PLAN?"

"You wanna FIGHT?!" Jack growled, throwing his jacket off as if he was about to leap into the row of chairs in front of him and tackle King right down onto the floor.

"GUYS!" Chako yelled at them. "Can we please just agree on this like proud, handsome and sexy young gentlemen? Look what you did! You made your sweet little baby Toroko cry!" she scolded them, cradling the weeping, pink-cheeked, bowling-ball-eyed entity of pure cuddle-fluff in her arms and nuzzling her ears to calm her down. This made Toroko smile and sing in her ever-so squeaky voice, causing Chako to pass out onto the floor from cuteness overload.

"Goddamnit..." Jack groaned, face-palming himself and putting his jacket back on. "Okay, look, forget about all of these pointless, overly complicated math equations I shat out onto the board. Here's our new plan. It's simple yet effective." he explained, erasing the marker-board and writing the steps for his new plan on it.

"You mean like the yaoi pairing between you and King?" Mahin snickered, catching a nasty side glare from King.

"Well...yes and no." Jack sighed, blushing and rolling his eyes. "You see, here's what we're going to do. Okay, PHASE ONE: we're going to recruit a whole bunch of random Mimigas with similarly one-dimensional personality characteristics to ours."

"And then?" King asked right before accidentally inhaling Mahin's fart gas and passing out onto the floor.

"PHASE TWO: Get in the goddamned kitchen and make me a frickin' sandwich, gay wad! Or else I'm going to fart in _your_ face too! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed.

"GRR..." Jack growled, gritting his teeth. "You know what? There _is_ no phase two. Let's just skip right on ahead to phase three, shall we? PHASE THREE: We form our own army to combat the incoming Shovel Brigade and overthrow the freaking Doctor once and for all! Any questions?"

"Pardon my asking, fine sir, but what's Phase Four gonna be, huh? Is everyone gonna live happily ever after as if nothing ever happened or some shit?" Mahin asked, raising his hand.

"I wish." Jack sighed.

"Are you going to make out with King like a total fag?" Mahin snickered.

"WHAT?! NO! How on Earth could you possibly imagine something so ridiculously unbelievable happening?" Jack yelled at him in a panic, blushing and sweating like crazy.

"Ya hear what you just said? That's exactly why the very thing you just denied is, in fact, clearly _going_ to happen, my friend...whether you _like_ it or not." Mahin smirked, winking at him.

"You know what? Phase Four can just be you taking a fat, smelly _crap_ on the Doctor's _face_ for all I care!" Jack yelled at him. "Come on, let's just get on with it already, shall we?!"

"Sure, but you still owe me more potato chips, ya hear? I'm all out!" Mahin informed him, walking out through the front door.

"This is going to suck." Jack groaned, sitting down and cupping his head in his hands miserably.

"You mean like you sucking King's-"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Jack yelled at Mahin, chasing him away and shaking his fist at him.

"You know what?" Jack thought to himself. "I think it's about time I took a stroll through memory lane." he decided, walking into the graveyard.

"Why don't we just hire a goddamned grave-keeper so I won't have to frickin' guard this stupid place anymore?" Jack sighed, kicking the dust beneath his feet. "Usually, the only reason I ever even come here in the first place is to get high on stinking mushrooms!"

"You mean like me?" one of the sentient walking mushrooms inhabiting the graveyard asked him. "Yes, like you..." Jack sighed, hopping up onto the next floor of the graveyard and meeting some random Japanese kid who had an emo haircut hanging over his left eye for some reason.

"Greetings. I am Kitaro of the Graveyard." he introduced himself, shoving his left eyeball back into its socket. "Would you like some nice, authentic Japanese marijuana to help you make sense of the fact that my left eye is actually my father, sir?"

"Guess what? Nobody cares." Jack sighed, climbing up the ladder into the storage room as the boy disappeared off to who-knows-where.

In the storage room, Jack came face to face with the universally feared champion of the graveyard, who was none other than...get this...a blue mushroom who was barely even a foot and a half tall if that.

"Greetings, young grasshopper. They call me...MA PIGNON!" the blue mushroom introduced himself. "You dare to challenge the ultimate, legendary ninjutsu master king of the mushroom kingdom? Your bespectacled bunny-rabbit ass, I shall kick!"

"Yeah, yeah, save it for later, Mister Ego Maniac." Jack groaned.

"What do you want from me, you little scamp?" Ma Pignon inquired.

"I want the Bubbler." Jack requested. "Hand it over."

"So you want it?" Ma Pignon asked.

"Yes." Jack replied.

"But you don't really need it?" Ma Pignon asked.

"No, I really need that thing in order to survive now, since everyone already took all the good weapons." Jack replied.

"So you want it, making you think that you really need it, even though in reality you really don't need it, but you still believe that you need it anyway, even though you really just want it, although you might actually end up needing it at some point?" Ma Pignon asked him trollishly.

"I don't even know how to respond to that! APOLOGIZE!" Jack scolded him.

"Screw that, nerd-face! LET'S RUMBLE!" Ma Pignon bellowed, hopping into battle. "I hop, like a silent grasshopper in the grasslands of Grasstown, eating grass."

"Screw your stupid grass, and SCREW YOU!" Jack yelled at him, kicking him across the room.

"The jackass charges right into battle unarmed and unprepared. The scorpion knows when you strike when his enemies least expect it! GET OVER HERE!" Ma Pignon bellowed, launching himself sideways all the way across the room.

"WHOA!" Jack screamed, lunging out of the way just in time as Ma Pignon flew headfirst into one of the solid rock walls of the room, causing boulders to fall from the ceiling; luckily, Jack ran in screaming circles around the room fast enough to avoid all of them.

"What the hell was that crap?!" Jack asked the dizzied Ma Pignon, catching his breath.

"A true ninja observes his surroundings and utilizes them to his advantage, even if it will probably eventually cause his surroundings to cave in and collapse, resulting in his ignorant yet brilliantly strategic demise." Ma Pignon slurred, clearly showing his severe brain damage.

"Do you ever shut up?" Jack asked him.

"No." he replied flatly. "And now it's time for my ULTIMATE SUPER DOUKUTSU MONOGATARI MUSHROOM NINJUTSU REPLICATION ATTACK!" Ma Pignon screamed at the top of his lungs, producing several fake clones of himself.

"The true ninja knows that when he replicates himself, the enemy shall never know which him is which!" Ma Pignon gloated. "You are a true noob, you know that?"

"Oh yeah? Well, guess what: you're a true frickin' GOOMBA! How does _that_ feel, huh?" Jack snapped back at him, jumping and stomping on all of Ma Pignon's clones before grabbing the real thing in his right hand and threatening to eat him.

"They say that true ninjas never face defeat...BUT I AM NOT A TRUE NINJA! I JUST LOOKED UP ALL THE MOVES IN A DICTIONARY! PLEASE SPARE ME! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HAVE MERCY! **_WAAAAH!_** " Ma Pignon wailed, bawling his eyes out as he desperately attempted to wriggle his way out of Jack's grip.

"Alright, so will you _finally_ cave in and just give me the Bubbler already?" Jack begged him.

" _ **NEVER!**_ " Ma Pignon sobbed, squeezing fake tears out of his eyes. "I'd rather eat my own mother for breakfast, then commit seppuku! _**WAAAAH!**_ "

"You know what?" Jack asked him, cocking an eyebrow at him. "You're looking mighty tasty if I do say so myself! _Down the hatch!_ " he laughed, slowly lifting Ma Pignon into his wide-open, sharp-toothed mouth.

Ma Pignon literally wet himself with fear, causing Jack to drop him and lurch backward in disgust. "Ew, _yuck!_ Did you _really_ have to freaking _urinate_ all over my hand? If you wanted to surrender, you could have just said so!" Jack scolded him angrily, picking him up again with his left hand instead of his right.

" _WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!_ " Ma Pignon begged to know as Jack threw him into a pack of cannibalistic mushroom zombies.

"Let's just say... _you pissed me off!_ " Jack replied, crossing his arms and winking at the audience amidst Ma Pignon's blood-curdling screams of pain and agony. "I hate to burst your _bubble_ , Ma Pignon, but it looks like your time is up! And _my_ time is _now,_ so it looks like I'd better grab your stupid moldy crap and get going! _Ciao!_ " Jack teased him, grabbing the Bubbler and running off.


	3. Bubble Trouble

CHAPTER 3: BUBBLE TROUBLE

"Alright, now let's see your weapons." Jack commanded everyone who had gathered in the Assembly Hall. "Lift them up!"

"I got a butterfly knife! Dammit, I wanted an SMG..." Mahin complained.

"I've still got my sword, bitches!" King gloated. "I don't even NEED anything else!"

"I've got a flaming-hot whip! That oughta teach the enemy to mess with a five-dollar hooker!" Chako laughed. "This'll be great for all my S&M fantasies..." she muttered under her breath.

"I'm too _cute_ to use weapons!" Toroko squeaked adorably, all curled up and cozy in Chako's stroller as she nibbled on her favorite rainbow-chocolate-chip cookie. Jack really wished that his life was as simple as hers, and was also disturbed by the fact that Chako had a stroller.

"Look at me, everyone! I got a fucking _**bubble**_ gun! Ooh, how _scary!_ " Jack cheered sarcastically as he pulled the trigger and fired a bunch of pathetic soap bubbles everywhere.

" _ **YAY! BUBBLES! WHEE!**_ " Toroko squealed with excitement, leaping out of her carriage and bouncing in circles around the room with the sort of pure joy that only a true child could have.

"See what I mean?" Jack sighed. "For fuck's sake, this piece of shit isn't even threatening enough to mildly frighten a goddamned baby bunny! God, I'm so hopeless..." he sobbed hopelessly, burying his head in his hands.

" _ **OWIE! BAD BUBBLES! BAD BUBBLES! WAAAAH!"**_ Toroko cried after one of her teeny-tiny little bunny paws actually somehow managed to reach high enough to touch one of the acid bubbles from Jack's gun.

"Well, at least it didn't kill her..." Jack sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Good, because if it had, then I would have ripped your fucking heart out and shown you how cold and black it was before you _died!_ " King growled at him.

" _Okay,_ then..." Jack stammered. " _ **RAWR!**_ " King jumped out of his seat and roared at him.

" _ **AIEEE!**_ " Jack bolted out the front door screaming.

"Heh heh...you should have seen the look on his face!" King chuckled.

"High five, pal!" Mahin snickered, giving King a high five as the rest of the team scrambled out the door. "Let's get ready for a serious stampede!" King encouraged everyone. Jack, however, was still firmly pressed against the outside wall of the Assembly Hall, right next to the door.

"Hey, Jack, I've got a secret to show ya..." Chako whispered to Jack, tugging on her bra.

"Y-you don't mean..." Jack stammered, his face blushing as bright as a lightbulb.

"Oh, yes..." Chako whispered, applying her lipstick...seductively?

"But...how are we even going to..." Jack stammered confusedly.

"We'll just do it... _on the floor!_ " Chako explained, dragging him back into the Assembly Hall while King and Mahin fought off the Shovel Brigade's first attack on the rocky plains of the Village.

"Where in the hell is that filthy coward Jack hiding?" King wondered out loud as he sliced the heads off of several Shovel Brigadiers with one fell sweep.

"A better question would be this: where in the hell is that filthy coward Jack hiding his goddamned lunch money? Lemme guess, under his stupid bed? WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed as he knocked several Shovel Brigadiers unconscious with his breath, then shoved their faces into his armpit and backstabbed them.

Speaking of beds...oh, wait, never-mind, Jack and Chako actually _were_ , in fact, about to have hot, sweaty sex on the floor.

"Actually, you know what? I think I'd better get going. After all, I've got some serious business to attend to, so therefore-"

"You're not going anywhere, hot stuff." Chako reminded him, coiling her whip around him and ensnaring him in it. "You're so cute when you're struggling to escape, like a worm caught on the bait of Kanpachi's fishing hook..." she laughed.

"Alright, so...what happens first?" Jack asked nervously, trembling a little as Chako kissed him on the cheek.

"You get to taste my _melons._ " Chako explained, pulling her bra all the way down and revealing her titties. Once Jack had sucked a sufficient amount of milk from them, she put her bra back over them and moved on to the next phase of her dominant master plan.

"Ooo, what's this? _**OH GOD, I'M SORRY I EVEN WALKED IN!**_ " one of the Shovel Brigadiers screamed as he walked in on the horrifically depraved fetish-fest going on between the two of them; before he was able to pull out his phone and call the police, Chako knocked him unconscious with a blow to the head from her whip.

"So, uhh...how does the next step in this delicate procedure go, mate?" Jack stammered awkwardly. "I'm kind of underaged for this level of pure unadulterated smut, you know..."

"Next...I remove my high heels and reveal the gorgeous three-toed beauties within to you and only you, my darling." Chako teased him, slowly sliding both of them off and wiggling her toes.

Once both of them were completely soaked with Jack's saliva, she placed both of them on his hard-as-rock penis and began stroking it up and down with them. " _ **Ohh, myy...**_ _HEY!_ Why is this scene even happening? I mean, for crying out loud, there are numerous... ** _ohhhhhhhhh_**... _KIDS_ in the audience!" Jack moaned with intense displeasure and humiliation.

"No...please don't do it... _ **PLEASE...AHHHHHHH!**_ " Jack screamed as he hit his sexual climax. Right before the actual climax happened, Chako shoved Jack's diddly-dong into her whatchamacallit and simply let the juice flow into her like water.

"Wait a minute... _you didn't even use a condom!_ You _degenerate,_ filthy prostitute _scum!_ You may have kissed your mother with that mouth, but there's no way you're kissing _me_ with it! Thank god Toroko wasn't facing in the right direction to witness that freakish abomination of modern fanfiction!" Jack screamed in terror, pulling his taser out of his belt pocket, tasering her, and finally calling 911 on her ass.

Putting his clothes back on and wiping the jizz stains off of the floor, Jack ran out the door, climbed down to the bottom floor of the village and greeted King and Mahin. "Yo, what's up?"

"Umm...a little help here?!" Mahin requested as the three of them ducked behind cover.

"Try farting right as I fire a whole bunch of bubbles into the air!" Jack explained. "If we do it right, the stench will be carried through every single one of those bubbles, causing every single enemy soldier in the general vicinity to pass out! Got that?"

"What about us?" King asked.

"Who cares? WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed as him and Jack combined their powers. The good news? It worked; everyone in the general vicinity threw up and passed out from how atrocious the resulting stench in the area was. The bad news? That also included Jack, King and Mahin as well.


	4. Jail Turds

CHAPTER 4: JAIL TURDS

"I would suggest we _never_ do that again." Jack groaned weakly as him, King, and Mahin all woke up in Jail Cell #2 of the Doctor's infamous plantation.

"Indeed, it would not be wise." Misery smirked, suddenly appearing out of literally nowhere through the power of teleportation.

"What do you know about what's wise and what isn't, you god-damned science-hating bitch?!" Mahin yelled at her, attempting to pounce on her with his knife.

"Uh uh uhh!" Misery taunted him, levitating into the air and zapping him with a bolt of lightning from her hand. "Have I ever told you idiots about your _spirit powers?_ "

"What the hell? _Spirit powers?_ Are you frickin' _kidding_ me?" King laughed.

"What is this, some kind of stupid-ass manga?" Jack groaned. "What's next, am I gonna have my fuckin' _father_ living in my _eye socket_ or some crazy shit like that?"

"That can be arranged." Misery snickered, casting a mysterious spell on Jack.

"Hey there, old friend!" Jack's right eye, now possessed by the spirit of Arthur, told him.

" _ **WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!**_ " Jack screamed, hyperventilating and writhing on the floor from sheer emotional shock.

"What, am I gonna have frickin' stretchy arms now?" Mahin chuckled.

"That can be arranged too, you fat sniveling bastard!" Misery laughed, giving Mahin the power of stretchy arms.

"Goddamnit, now my arms are all limp and weird!" Mahin growled.

"Go ahead, do whatever you want with me. I do not even care anymore." King sighed, offering himself to Misery as she enchanted him with the worst curse of all.

"If you die..." Misery explained, "...your spirit shall never be able to rest in heaven. This is what you get for being a cold-blooded, bloodthirsty, egotistical douchebag and evidently failing to raise Toroko properly."

"WHAT?! I raised her FLAWLESSLY!" King argued.

"She isn't even five yet and you've already spoiled her to death." Jack pointed out.

"SHUT UP!" King yelled.

"Allow me to demonstrate!" Mahin butted in, pulling an oatmeal-raisin cookie out of his pocket and holding it up to Toroko's giggling, twinkly-eyed, blushing and smiling little kitten face so that she could adorably nibble on it like the pampered, overly domesticated little pet she was.

"EEW! THIS COOKIE TASTES LIKE STINKY POO-POO! _WAAAAAAAAAAAH!_ " Toroko wailed.

"STUPID ROTTEN CUNT!" Mahin yelled at her, slapping her across the face, which caused her to cry so loudly that the ears of every single person in the room (even hers) started bleeding.

"Shut the fuck up!" he whispered in her ear, giving her a deep-fried rainbow-chocolate-chip-and-marshmallow candy cookie and shoving a lollipop into her mouth to calm her down.

This made Toroko smile from ear to ear and squeak out the word " _ **YUM!**_ " so adorably than even Mahin almost had a heart attack from how mind-bogglingly cute she was, which is ironic because he probably would have had a heart attack from eating deep-fried cookies anyway.

"Ha! I bet the _real_ reason why the oatmeal raisin cookie tasted like crap was because you pulled it out of your _ass,_ wasn't it?" Jack pointed and laughed at him.

"Jack, I swear to God, I'm going to kick _your_ ass one of these days!" Mahin growled at him.

"Oh my god, Mahin, you're right! I'm such a terrible father!" King realized, collapsing onto his hands and knees and weeping.

"Now just stick your dick right in that little opening back there-"

" _GET_ your fucking hands off of me, you _PONCE!_ " Jack yelled at him.

"Oh, wow, look who's freakin' talking!" Mahin bit back.

"Hey, don't you dare try that shit again, I've got my _eye_ on you..." Arthur warned.

"Well, you know what? Your stupid frickin' _eye_ can go look at porno mags for all I care! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed.

"Jesus Christ, whose side are you _on?_ " Misery yelled at him. "Anyway, I'll see you poor sods later! _Bye-bye!_ "

"Alright, we've _got_ to find a way out of here!" Jack reminded everyone.

"Right after I finish eating this nice fresh toad here! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed, chewing it up and swallowing it like it was nothing.

"Oh my god, did you seriously just eat a freaking raw, living _toad?_ " King asked him disgustedly.

"Meh, I've eaten worse." Mahin stated flatly, deliberately attempting to burp right into King's face; luckily, King dodged out of the way just in time.

"My _god,_ you are such an absolutely vulgar _bastard!_ " Jack yelled at him, slapping him across the face as payback for the conversation that they had just had a few seconds ago. "Anyway, where did that toad come from? _OH_...I see now."

The toad had come from a little pond all the way in the back of the jail cell, which had apparently been left unchecked because there was a three-foot tall gap in the bottom of the wall that was clearly supposed to be blocking the passage of prisoners through it.

"Hmm...interesting. Well, if it works, then we might as well take advantage of it! What do you say, pals?" Jack asked his accomplices.

"As long as I don't die, I'm in! Just make sure I _don't_ die!" King agreed.

"As long as I get to stab those Shovel Brigade assholes right in their snot-nosed little backs, you can count me in!" Mahin reluctantly agreed.

"I'm hungry! Feed me sweeties!" Toroko squeaked in the most cloyingly adorable fashion she could possibly muster as King picked her up and wrapped her up in a pink protective blanket that made it to the point where she strongly resembled a fuzzy little lop-eared bunny caterpillar in its cocoon, with its big floppy ears poking out for added cuteness effect.

"Alrighty then, follow me!" Jack commanded all of them as the four of them went through the pond, up the secret tunnel, and out the secret exit door way over on the left.

"Huh? That's weird..." To Jack's surprise, there was an immense old catwalk bridge connected across the platforms from the secret exit that he and his friends had just taken to another door all the way on the other side of the plantation; like many man-made things on the island, this would later mysteriously disappear in Cave Story proper.

"Wow, this sure is strange..." Jack realized, looking far out in front of him to see how long this bridge was. It was very long indeed.

"Not as strange as the fact that your _father_ is living in your frickin' _eye socket!_ " Mahin burst out laughing. "Tell me, does his incessant and completely unneeded talking ever annoy you?"

" _ **YES.**_ " Jack responded as the four (or should I say, _five_ ) of them continued walking.

" _ **Hmph!**_ " Arthur sneered. "If I annoy you so much, why don't you come and catch me?" he teased, somehow jumping right out of Jack's right eye socket and making a run for it as some kind of humanoid sentient eyeball thing with the eyeball serving as its head.

" _W-What'd I just see?!_ " Jack stammered, already strongly convinced that he was indeed most definitely going insane. " _Was that-"_

"Come on, step it up, will ya? We gotta get to the other side of the bridge and catch that wanker before he gets himself killed!" Mahin reminded Jack, grabbing him by the collar and yanking him along behind him with his right arm as he ran across the bridge with King.

"Last one there's a rotten corpse!" King informed everyone as he sprinted across the bridge with Toroko in his arms.

" _ **PSYCHE!**_ " Mahin snickered as he tripped King over with his foot, snagged Toroko in his left arm, and continued running until he reached the end. " _ **WOO HOO!**_ _I win!_ _Suck_ it, King! I'm the best there is! Now if you'll excuse me, I still have a few more amends to make."

Right when King was about to reach the goal, Mahin turned around and farted right in his face.

"You...really...are...a fat... _bastard..._ " King choked out after collapsing onto the floor.

"Ah, _snap out of it_ , ya big lug!" Mahin laughed, slapping him back to his senses.

"I'll admit, you got me." King chuckled. "However, I fear that what I said about the one who lost the race becoming the first one to die later on might actually be true..." he sighed.

"Well, hey, at least you get to see me do _this,_ right?" Jack snickered, shoving Arthur back into his right eye socket.

" _ **HURK!**_ " King retched as the five of them entered the door to the vast unexplored cavern that housed the Shovel Brigade's not-so-secret Central Defense Tower.


	5. Bewby Trap

CHAPTER 5: BEWBY TRAP

"So, I suppose this is it..." King whispered in disbelief as he, Jack, Mahin, Toroko and Arthur gazed upon the dauntingly enormous steel tower that lay before them. "This must be the base of operations for all of those accursed Shovel Brigade scoundrels..."

"This must lead all the way up to the Balcony, judging from where the Plantation is located within the island..." Jack realized.

"Enough pointless jibber-jabber, we're already running out of time as is!" Mahin reminded them.

"Okay, careful...steady...steady..." Jack stammered as the five of them slowly walked along the narrow catwalk, which led to an unnaturally large horizontal gap between it and the base of the tower itself.

"Alright, look, if we fall from this height...whatever distance that bottomless pit around the tower actually is, we are undoubtedly going to go _**SPLAT**_ on the floor and die." Jack explained.

"You see, kids, this is why you shouldn't fall from long vertical distances!" Arthur reminded them.

"All hail the almighty Captain Obvious..." Jack and King both groaned in perfect unison, rolling their eyes at pretty much the exact same time as each other.

"Wow, what a bizarre and interesting experience!" Arthur giggled, causing Jack to roll his eyes yet again. "Tee hee hee! Do it some more!"

"Alright, now let's not go sucking each other's dicks just yet!" Mahin chuckled, extending his arms out and pulling himself over the gap, then grabbing Jack and pulling him over the gap from the other side.

"Um, dude, there's a button right here..." Jack pointed out, giving him a smart-ass side glare and pushing said button, causing an additional catwalk to somehow magically extend itself out and cover the gap between the catwalk and the tower.

Once all five of them had reached the base of the tower and climbed up the ladder to the first floor, they were able to take a closer look at what lay before them in this tower. Truth be told, it really wasn't a very impressive structure, but by Mimiga standards, it looked amazing.

"So, it looks like this tower is basically a bunch of prefab rooms stacked on top of each other, with a small platform around the first floor." Jack explained. "Each room seems to be connected by a counter-clockwise three-quarter-square-spiral set of catwalk stairs. It might not be particularly sturdy, but at least it'll get us where we need to go."

"That's exactly what they say about cars made of fiberglass, you know." Mahin pointed out. "Alright, so what's in here?" he wondered out loud, peeking through one of the windows into the first room.

"Hmm...looks like there's only one guy in there." Jack noted.

"And the room has two separate doors on opposite sides, too!" Mahin chuckled.

"Is this guy literally asking to die or _what?_ " King snickered.

"Okay, so first up is you, Jack. Yes, you, Mr. Utility Belt! Listen, I need you to lock-pick the doors. _Both of them!_ " Mahin explained.

"Yes... _sir?_ " Jack agreed.

"Next up is you, King! I need you to unravel the blanket around Toroko and make it look like she's opening one of the doors and walking on her tubby little legs into the room. The guard will be distracted by her irresistibly cuddly cuteness, leading us into the next and final phase!"

"Wow, you're quite the trickster, aren't you?" King commented with a mildly irritated look on his face. "Hey, at least I'm technically on your side! WA-"

" _ **SHH!**_ " Jack hissed, covering Mahin's mouth with his right hand. "Don't laugh or the guards will _hear_ us!"

"Huh?" the guard in the first room wondered out loud, unlocking one of the doors and walking outside. Thinking quickly, all five of our heroes, except for the unraveled Toroko, hid inside one of the empty cardboard ramen boxes scattered around next to the room.

"Alright, time for Plan B!" Mahin whispered to himself. "We're gonna do this Metal Gear Solid style, bitches! _Allah!_ "

"Hmm...looks like it was nothing." the guard shrugged, lowering his shovel. But then he saw Toroko walking towards him.

" _ **HI!**_ " Toroko squeaked like a little baby mouse. " _ **LET'S BE FRIENDS! YAY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I ALSO LOVE FLOWERS AND TEDDY BEARS AND RAINBOWS AND CANDY AND KITTENS AND PUPPIES AND SPARKLES AND THE COLOR PINK!**_ "

" _ **AWW!**_ " the guard crooned, trying to resist the urge to hug and snuggle her.

" _I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!"_ Mahin yelled as he and King jumped out of their boxes and ambushed the guard, completely man-slaughtering him.

" _ **HUH?**_ " Toroko squeaked.

"Mahin, you are such a lovable bastard." Jack complimented him as King wrapped Toroko back up and scooped her up into his arms.

"That I am, that I am." Mahin smirked as the five of them entered the room.

The room resembled a modern-day kitchen, with a small refrigerator, a stove oven, a microwave, and several cabinets. There was also a bed in the corner.

"Hope you have fun sleeping on the floor, Jack!" Mahin laughed.

"Don't _count_ on it, smart-ass." Jack bit back.

" _ **WHOA!**_ What is _that thing?!_ " Arthur yelled excessively loudly with surprise.

"What in the hell is that stupid bastard up to this time?" the guard on the third floor asked the one on the second floor through his walkie-talkie. "Please don't tell me he's trying to sacrifice himself to the Flying Spaghetti Monster again..."

"Oh, don't worry about him. He's just a goddamned twelve-year-old retard with ADHD." the guard on the second floor replied while making a CD-i Youtube Poop on his computer.

"Roger that. Over!" the guard on the third floor concluded, hanging up.

"Arthur, I swear to God, if you don't shut up, I'm going to have to _forcefully yank_ you out of my eye socket and throw you off the cliff!" Jack threatened Arthur.

"Anyway," Jack sighed, "let's see what this thing is."

" _Ah!_ It's a _computer!_ " Arthur realized as Jack booted it up. " _ **GRR!**_ " Jack growled irritatedly.

"Is this the security mainframe computer?" King asked.

"It sure is, and it would seem that the dumb little shit who runs this place left it unlocked!" Jack replied ecstatically. "Now let me just see here..."

Jack opened up the guard command program, but was blocked by a password screen. "Oh great, now we're officially fucked even harder than I was by Chako." Jack sighed.

" _WHAT?!_ " King stammered in shock. " _I'm jealous of you now!_ "

"Alright, you cheeky boy...try entering _BEWBZ_. That oughta do it!" Mahin snickered.

"Alright, so...B...O...O..."

"No, just let me type it! Trust me, I know what I'm doing." Mahin promised Jack, shoving him out of the way and typing out the real password. "B...E...W...B...Z! And... _enter!_ "

" _ **Access granted!**_ " the computer confirmed.

"My god, how fucking stupid _was_ this douchebag son-of-a-bitch?" Mahin muttered to himself.

"I-I don't _believe_ it!" Jack gasped. "That actually _worked!_ "

"Dumbest motherfucker _ever,_ am I right?" Mahin snickered.

"Damn _straight,_ you are!" King laughed as Jack got back onto the computer.

"Alright, so, we've got a nice big list of commands right here..." Jack pointed out as he explored the menus within the program.

"OOO! OOO! _Dude! Dude! Make everyone fart! Make everyone fart!_ " Mahin whispered in Jack's ear.

"Make them as cute and harmless as I am!" Toroko squeaked.

"Smash their fucking _skulls_ in!" King growled.

"Hold on, I think I've got a better idea." Jack smirked, hooking up an administrator voice-changer microphone to the intercom as he screwed around with the program.

"Alright, so look; as you can see here, this program appears to be linked directly to the soldiers' brains, so we can basically literally make them do whatever we want! Oh man, I have _always_ wanted to be able to troll people on such an amazing level as this! _Here we go!_ " Jack laughed, picking up the microphone.


	6. Command and Conquer

CHAPTER 6: COMMAND AND CONQUER

" _Attention, soldiers!"_ Jack spoke through the microphone, trying not to bust out laughing as he did so. " _I command every single one of you to take off all of your clothes and shake them until your wallets come out, then do the chicken dance while pissing everywhere, then run out and stand on the edges of the catwalks and fall asleep with your fingers shoved up your noses like a bunch of idiots!_ "

"Yes, ma'am!" the soldiers obeyed.

ONE MINUTE LATER...

"Oh my god, I can't believe they actually _did_ it!" Jack cried, rolling on the floor and pissing himself with laughter while Mahin did the same.

"Holy Jesus, that was without a doubt the best moment of my entire stinking _life!_ " Mahin laughed hysterically. "High five, man! _High five!_ " And so Jack and Mahin high-fived each other.

"Any last words, commander?" King smirked.

"Oh, yeah!" Jack remembered. " _Attention, soldiers! You have one final command! Wake up and jump off the edges of the catwalks! Fall to your death for the greater good of society! Liberate male society from the prejudicial wrath of the Feminazis!_ " he commanded them.

"Oh my god, Mahin, did you frickin' _see_ that?!" Jack snickered. "They all just jumped and _died!_ _Oh my god,_ this is so amazing!"

"Alright, that's _enough_ already!" King warned them.

"Aww, but that was so much _fun,_ King!" Jack groaned.

"Jesus H. Christ, how many freaking stories does this goddamned tower _have?!_ " Mahin realized, gazing up at the immense height of the tower. "Oh, whatever, once you've seen one story of this stupid thing, you've seen them all! WAHAHAHAHA!"

"Man, you sure do have an _eye_ for adventure!" King complimented Jack, slapping Jack on the back so hard he coughed up a hairball.

"Don't mention it." Jack replied, straightening his glasses.

As the five of them sprinted their way up the extremely excessive _42-and-a-half_ stories of the Central Defense Tower, with Mahin stuffing an entire wallet full of money into his digital storage space on each floor, the five of them sang a nice little song to the tune of the Tetris theme.

 _As you may know, our adventure is weird,_

 _even though we aren't to be feared!_

 _And of course, we are in a rut!_

 _I'm a loser and Chako's a slut!_ (sung by Jack)

 _I may be fat, but I have quite the brain_

 _to devise a scheme that will bring pain!_

 _Though I am on the side of good,_

 _I have been a dick since childhood!_ (sung by Mahin)

 _With my blade, I am a beast!_ (sung by King)

 _If you give me cookies, I'll feast!_ (squeaked by Toroko)

 _I am the eye of the storm, if you know_

 _what I mean-_

" _NO!_ " Jack yelled at Arthur. "Goddamnit, you ruined it! You've ruined the entire freaking _song!_ Congratulations! I hope you're frickin' proud of yourself, _father!_ "

As the five of them stormed up onto the 42nd floor, they suddenly noticed an interesting presentation on the computer there.

"Come on, let's _see_ what that video is about!" Arthur recommended as the five of them gathered around the computer and clicked play.

" _Greetings, my beloved servants._ " the Doctor began. " _What you are about to witness is, in fact, none other than the sad, tragic, depressing story of how I came to be. If you have not acquired the necessary supply of tissues yet, please go get some before watching this, as I am pretty thoroughly convinced that not even a single one of your teeny-weeny little bunny hearts is strong enough to handle it. Therefore, if your pathetically small heart suddenly ruptures and explodes during this presentation, I would strongly encourage you to call 911 immediately._ "

"Blah, blah, _blah!_ " Mahin groaned. "What's he gonna talk about next? Instructions for how to go to the frickin' _supermarket?_ "

"You know what? I agree!" Jack realized. "Now that I think about it, I really don't give a shit _what_ this cock sucker's backstory is! In the end, it doesn't even freaking matter! He is nothing more than just another goddamned evil doctor! We can handle pathetic scumbags like him! Come on, everybody! Follow me! _Let's go already!_ " he concluded, beckoning everyone to keep moving.

"That's the spirit!" Mahin chuckled, patting him on the back. "We'll make an amazing team someday, I can definitely tell you that much!"

"Put a sock in it." Jack sneered. "No, put an _eyeball_ in it!" Arthur corrected him.

As the five of them finally reached the roof of the tower, panting from exhaustion, they met a mysterious robotic soldier who was obviously Quote.

"Put down your weapons. I'm not afraid of you." Quote warned them, drawing out his blue handgun.

"I don't care who you are, mister! _Take this!_ " Jack yelled, firing a huge swarm of bubbles at him.

"...But I do have a deep childhood fear of _acid bubbles!_ Here, take my jetpack! I give up! _AAAAAA!_ " he screamed as he jumped off the top of the tower.

"Well, _that_ sure was anticlimactic!" Jack sighed.

"I wonder where he'll end up landing if he somehow manages to survive that fall?" King wondered out loud.

"Probably in that stagnant old watering hole in the First Cave where everyone used to piss! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed.

"Yeah, you should probably take Mahin's advice with a grain of salt, King." Jack sighed, glaring at Mahin yet again.

"Mind if I steal his jetpack? _Pretty please?_ " Mahin asked.

" _Hell,_ no!" Jack answered. "I'm the one who saved us from that weird robot guy, so that means _I_ should be the one who gets to keep it! Correct me if I'm wrong, which I'm usually not!"

"Anyway, I don't like this place. Let's blow it up!" Mahin suggested, slamming his fist down on the big red button in the center of the room.

" _ **WARNING: INITIATING SELF-DESTRUCT CYCLE! UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR SORRY ASSES TO BE BLOWN ALL THE WAY TO FUCKING JUPITER, I WOULD SUGGEST EVACUATING IMMEDIATELY! YES, THAT ALSO MEANS YOU, WHOEVER JUST PUSHED THAT BUTTON!**_ "

"So long, suckers! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed as the five of them took the old-fashioned cage elevator on the upper-right corner of the roof all the way up to safety.

"Here we are, everyone." King informed them. "Forget what I said before: _This_ is _it._ "

"Ah, yes, the world-famous balcony atop the island." Arthur remembered. "This is exactly where I was trying to get to when I set off on that foolish journey a few months ago, back when the current Doctor hadn't even come to power yet! But alas, I was slain by a generic mid-boss that the average Cave Story player could probably defeat within the time span of about 30 seconds. Oh, woe is me!"

"This balcony sucks! There should at least be a water fountain or something." Mahin groaned as the five of them took the next elevator down to the main part of the Balcony and then watched as a disturbingly large chunk of the island collapsed off where Mahin had set off the tower's self-destruct bomb.

"Hey, look, it's another goddamned prefab house!" King groaned, having seen no less than 42 of them while climbing up the tower previously.

"I am so sick of seeing these stupid things, but if it's the only viable place then I guess we have to sleep here." Jack shrugged as the five of them gathered in the house and slept together. Except that there was only one bed, so Jack was forced to snuggle gaily with Mahin for the whole night. "I... _hate_...you..."


	7. The Scholar and the Viper

CHAPTER 7: THE SCHOLAR AND THE VIPER

"What's that you say?! Toroko's been kidnapped?!" Jack stammered in a panic as he and Mahin woke up awkwardly snuggled together in bed the next morning.

"Your ears do not deceive you, four-eyes." Mahin reassured him, nodding his head. "Looks like you and I have got some serious rescuing to do!"

"I always thought you were a douche, and I certainly wasn't wrong!" Jack chuckled as the two of them walked outside and approached the throne room. "But if there's anything we've both learned from this natural disaster of an experience, it's that having your father living inside your eye socket and stalking you around everywhere is certainly no less fun than it sounds!"

"Hey, wait a minute, that's _your_ weird-ass thing that happened to you, remember?" Mahin reminded him.

"Oh, yeah..." Jack remembered.

"No, that's _my_ weird-ass character quirk that everyone loves, _remember?_ " Kitaro growled at Jack, suddenly appearing out of nowhere again for the second time in a row. "Stop copying me or I swear to God I'm going to _sue_ you!" he warned Jack before disappearing again.

"Oh, and, uhh...where's King?" Jack asked.

" _Right behind you!_ " King whispered in their ears.

" _AAA!_ " Jack screamed. "Ha ha! Hey, it's nice to see you again, pal! Ready to kick the Doctor's hat-wearing, bespectacled, nerdy ass?"

"You bet your monkey _ass_ I am!" King laughed as the three of them finally reached the Doctor's throne room, where he and Misery had been eagerly lying in wait for their arrival.

"Greetings, young adversaries." the Doctor greeted them in an eerily polite and sophisticated manner for such an evil person, making Jack fear that he could someday become a villain too.

"Now, don't get me wrong; I am well aware that you weak, ignorant, cowardly, rabbit-like plebs may interpret me as being essentially the Adolf Hitler of the pitifully small world that you live in." the Doctor began. " _ **HOWEVER...**_ "

"Upon closer examination, one might suddenly realize that in reality...I am really nothing more than just an ordinary historical arsonist doing his job. One day, when my time has come and gone, you people will undoubtedly erect statues of me, and mock me, and perhaps even praise me in numerous aspects for the good that I have secretly done to Mimiga society by being so appallingly bad." the Doctor continued.

"Could you hurry up and finish talking, please? I'm running out of fucks to give!" Mahin politely yelled at him. "No one wants to have to listen to your freaking stupid, long and boring speech before fighting you! Just quit being an overdramatic pussy and _start the fight already!_ Save us some _time,_ will you?"

"Good point, my friend." the Doctor complimented him sarcastically. "Very well then...I shall require no long speech before this battle, which will now be mighty! My eyes are fiery with rage, and my soul is ablaze! Prepare to feel the full extent of my _wrath!_ "

"Don't forget about _me_ either, bitches!" Misery laughed as the two of them joined forces and teamed up against Jack, King and Mahin.

The Doctor made the first move by attempting to inject red flower extract into Mahin's arm with a syringe. "Time for a lethal injection, you bloated communist!" he laughed maniacally.

"Who's laughing now, huh? WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed as he used his _literally_ filthy hands to snatch the syringe out of the Doctor's _metaphorically_ filthy hands and inject it into _him_ instead, causing the Doctor to go berserk.

"Oh yes...I can feel the power surging from within my blood vessels! UWAHAHAHAHA!" the Doctor laughed maniacally as his muscles bulged and his eyes turned red.

While the Doctor and Mahin entangled into a fistfight with each other, Jack and King were dealing with Misery. "Ha! _Missed me!_ " Misery laughed as she teleported out of the way _right_ before King was able to hit her.

" _ **GRR!**_ That's like the _MILLIONTH_ time she's done that!" King growled as the fight raged on.

"Not so tough now, are ya? _**ARE YA?!**_ " Mahin yelled furiously as he thrashed the Doctor with a metal baseball bat, using his stretchy arms to help him swing even harder.

"Heh heh...you may be able to knock my teeth out... _but you will never break my unrelentingly relentless spirit!_ " the Doctor laughed.

" _ **THAT'S FUCKING REDUNDANT!**_ " Mahin screamed at him, hitting him one last time with the bat and knocking him unconscious.

Suddenly, to everyone's surprise, Misery stopped fighting.

"I am so sorry, everyone." Misery apologized. "I was the one who created that damned crown. I was so selfish, and now look where it got me. The widespread influence of the Demon Crown forced not only the Doctor, but also me as well, to do its bidding, like a gambler forcing his own twin brother to waste all his money for him because he's too lazy to do it himself."

"What?" King asked Jack, who was glaring evilly at him.

"Since my possession by the Demon Crown also muddled my ability to read minds, I was unable to sense how terrible the Doctor's intentions actually were. I honestly thought he was just your average villain." Misery explained.

"He _is_ pretty much just your average soulless villain." Jack sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Looks like Hitler, fights like Stalin." Mahin chuckled. "Now would you mind teleporting that stupid crown off the cliff, Misery?"

"It would be my pleasure." Misery agreed, doing so while Mahin snuck up behind King and Jack and stabbed King in the back. " _WHAT IN THE HELL?!_ Why, you _insolent_ little scoundrel!"

"It's payback time, mister!" Mahin told Jack, who was just standing there with his jaw dropped to the floor, utterly speechless.

"For all the shit you said about me...for all the social rejection I've endured over the years...for all the physical abuse you put me through...and for all the Justin Bieber albums you bought me for Christmas...you are going to fucking _pay_ , Mr. Goody-Goody Two Shoes!" Mahin yelled furiously, stretching his arms out, pulling Jack towards him and strangling him.

" _ **STOP!**_ " Jack commanded him, head-butting him to break free of his grip. "This isn't the way of the Mimigas!"

"I don't give a fuck _what_ the way of my stupid pathetic race is anymore! You're going _down,_ Crazy Eyeball Man! _Hasta la vista, mi amigo!_ " Mahin laughed maniacally.

"...And this is what you get for copying me!" Kitaro flashed in for about two seconds just to tell Jack. " _ **FINE!**_ " Jack growled, clenching his fists and assuming a fighter's stance. "If it's a fight you want, then by God, it's a fight you'll _get!_ "

"But wait, there's _more!_ If you call now, we'll send you some delicious eyes cream! Get it? _**Eyes**_ cream?" Arthur giggled.

" _ **GODDAMNIT, SHUT UP ALREADY!**_ " Jack scolded him. "It's bad enough that you kept reminding me how to climb up frickin' _stairs!_ "


	8. This Means Robot War!

CHAPTER 8: THIS MEANS ROBOT WAR!

"Ha ha ha ha ha...there won't even _**BE**_ any stairs left for you to climb by the time I'm through with _YOU!_ _**WAHAHAHAHA!**_ " Mahin laughed maniacally.

"Remember all those wallets I grubbed off of those innocent soldiers back in the tower?" Mahin asked Jack.

"Uh, _yeah!_ In fact, I remember it like it was only _**YESTERDAY!**_ " Jack screamed at him.

"Well, _guess what?_ I took all of the money from those poor sods' bank accounts and transferred it into _my_ credit card!" Mahin laughed. "Do you have _any_ idea how much those stupid losers got paid just to sit around and guard that dumb old tower all day?"

"Let me guess: even more than I get paid to stand around and guard the dumb old graveyard all day?" Jack shrugged.

" _ **HA!**_ Think like **_a thousand_** _ **times**_ more, douche-face! Now you know what happens when you let all of the money fall into one person's hands! _**DIGISTRUCT MOON SATELLITE GO!**_ " Mahin yelled at the top of his lungs as if it were a battle cry, summoning a freaking enormous giant robot the height of a three-story building and automatically teleporting into the pilot seat.

"Hey, you just completely fucking _**wrecked**_ the throne room, ya know!" Misery pointed out.

"Eh, who cares? You can just magically fix it later, right?" Mahin reminded her.

"Ooh, your ass is grass and I'm the _weed whacker!_ _**Make my day!**_ " Mahin cackled, directing his deadly gaze back toward Jack as he began running in place inside the cockpit, causing the robot itself to run forward rapidly.

" _ **HUAAAGH! MISERY! QUICK! HELP ME! I'M GOING TO GET CRUSHED LIKE THE PATHETIC WORKER ANT I AM IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING NOW!"**_ Jack screamed as he bolted and ran for his life across the Balcony, with Mahin in hot pursuit, the _**CLING CLANG CLANG**_ of his robotic footsteps ringing through Jack's ears.

" _ **JUMP!**_ " Misery commanded him.

" _ **ARE YOU INSANE?**_ " Jack shrieked.

" _ **JUST DO IT! TRUST ME, I HAVE A BETTER PLAN THAN THAT FAT FUCK EVER WILL!**_ " Misery promised him as the two of them dived off the edge of the Balcony, where the tower's construction site had previously been located before Mahin had blown it up.

As Jack and Misery jumped off of the island, Mahin followed along behind them, transforming his giant mech into a fighter jet and trailing the two of them viciously.

" _GIVE ME A PARACHUTE!_ " Jack begged Misery as she used her magic bubble shield to protect him from Mahin's machine gun fire. " _PRETTY PLEASE?_ " he begged even harder, suddenly going all twinkly-eyed and adorable on her.

"Sure, why not?" Misery chuckled, producing a pair of shoes on Jack's feet.

" _WHAT?!_ This is a pair of _shoes!_ " Jack screamed.

" _Ta ta!_ " Misery laughed, disappearing.

" _I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total oblivion._ " Jack stammered to himself as he plummeted straight down toward Tokyo at terminal velocity.

" _DO A BARREL ROLL!_ " Misery commanded him as he narrowly rolled out of the way of Mahin's heat-seeking missiles while skydiving.

"Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have bought the _cheap_ model..." Mahin groaned.

"Ha! _You missed me!_ " Jack laughed, using the jetpack he got from Quote to slow his descent as he landed on the rooftops of Tokyo.

"I was aiming for the local _high school,_ you idiot!" Mahin corrected him.

"Wow, these shoes are amazing! I can't stop running! _WHEE!_ " Jack realized with great excitement as he leapt from rooftop to rooftop, ran all the way across the world-famous Rainbow Bridge, and even ran right past Daisuke Amaya's game development studio, with Mahin leaving a blazing trail of destruction directly behind Jack with each step that Jack took.

" _OH MY GOD! MY DREAM! IT'S FINALLY COMING TRUE!_ ** _YES!_** " Daisuke Amaya screamed with joy. " _ **NO! MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE IS RUINED! WHY, NINTENDO, WHYYY?!**_ " Daisuke Amaya cried as Mahin burned the roof off of his apartment with laser beams.

" _ **GRR! YOU PESKY LITTLE RAT! GUESS WHAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH? YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!**_ " Mahin roared, transforming his mech back into its original humanoid form, dashing a great distance forward, swinging his right arm, and _**FALCON**_ punching Jack so hard that the sheer force of impact sent Jack flying at least one third of a mile even with his bubble shield on.

Jack eventually landed on his butt right in an open dumpster, with his bubble shield completely shattered by the force of his landing. Recovering from his cartoonish dizziness, standing up and brushing the moldy banana peels off of his head, he was greeted once again by Misery.

" _ **HERE! TAKE HIS WALLET AND USE IT! THERE'S NO MORE TIME TO LOSE!**_ " Misery commanded him.

" ** _DIGISTRUCT MOON SATELLITE GO!"_** Jack screamed at the top of his lungs with even more passion than the Passion Parade that just so happened to be passing by at that moment, which Mahin unceremoniously squished with his giant robotic foot.

" _HEY! WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST GAY PEOPLE?!_ " Jack scolded him, delivering a nasty right hook to his face.

" _YOU'RE ONE OF THEM, SO I NATURALLY FIGURED I'D RETURN THE FAVOR AND FUCK YOU UP!"_ Mahin laughed psychotically, shoving Jack right through a cluster of at least eight housing buildings.

" _LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT!"_ Mahin yelled as he swung Jack back and forth over his head and into the ground.

" _AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE! SO LONG, GAY BASTARD!_ " Mahin laughed, swinging Jack around and around by the legs and then throwing him straight into the nearest hospital.

" _WHO'S THE COCK SUCKER NOW, HUH?!_ " Jack yelled furiously as he leapt back into the ring and drop-kicked him, prompting the two of them to engage in a brutal fistfight that contained more punches, kicks, and laser beams than there are picket fences in Texas and buildings in Philadelphia combined.

"Greetings, fellow citizens of Tokyo, Japan." the news reporter greeted everyone on the local television news broadcast. "If you're still watching this, _GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BECAUSE THERE ARE GIANT RAMPAGING ROBOT MONSTER TITANS ON THE LOOSE AND THEY'LL EAT US ALL-_ " At that exact moment, the news report cut off completely.

" _Vegeta!_ What does the scouter say about their power levels?" some random Nappa cosplayer atop one of the nearby buildings of Tokyo asked his Vegeta-cosplaying friend.

" _ **THEY'RE OVER NINE THOUSAND!**_ " his Vegeta-cosplaying friend replied.

" ** _WHAT?!_** _NINE_ ** _THOUSAND?! THERE'S NO WAY THAT CAN BE RIGHT!_** " the Nappa cosplayer responded with shock.

Meanwhile, Jack and Mahin had both gone Super Saiyan and were floating in a huge, ridiculously fast circle around each other in midair, firing laser beams directly at each other.

" _YOU...UGLY-FACED...FATASS...DOUCHEBAG...PIECE OF SHIT..._ " Jack growled.

" _YOU...STUPID...FOUR-EYED...LOSER...FUCKING DORK..._ " Mahin growled.

" _ **MAXIMUM POWER!**_ " both of them screamed at the tops of their lungs, cranking up the power levels on their laser beams so high that it created an enormous sonic explosion that tore apart literally every single building and bridge within a five-mile radius of the two of them, and nearly destroyed the mech suits themselves.

With the power of their mech suits completely exhausted, Jack and Mahin weakly dragged themselves to Shibuya Crossing, the Times Square of Tokyo, for their final showdown.

"Even if a freaking tsunami comes to wash me away for good, I am _never,_ I repeat, _**NEVER,**_ getting out of this cockpit!" Mahin growled.

"Not even if I smash this thing right into your stupid fucking face?" Jack asked him, picking up a steamroller. " _ **WRYYYYYY!**_ " he roared at the top of his lungs as he threatened to smash Mahin's robot into pieces with the steamroller.

"Okay, fine, I'll get out! _**SHEESH!**_ " Mahin groaned, rolling his eyes as both him and Jack leapt out of their mechs and readied themselves for a street fight.

" _ **HADOUKEN!**_ " Jack yelled, shooting fireballs from his fists as Mahin cartwheeled out of the way of them.

" _ **SONIC BOOM!**_ " Mahin yelled, shooting a disc of sonic energy from his arms with the last bit of energy he could muster.

" _ **TATSUMAKI SENPUKYAKU!**_ " Jack yelled as he spun his leg around in a helicopter kick motion, sending him just high enough in the air to avoid Mahin's Sonic Boom and hitting Mahin in the face.

" _ **SHORYUKEN!**_ " Jack yelled as he delivered the final blow, leaping into the air with a jetpack-propelled uppercut right to Mahin's jaw.

" _ **UUUAHHH!**_ " Mahin moaned as his jaw shattered, at least six of his teeth flew out, and he ultimately collapsed onto the floor.

" _Huzzah, motherfucker._ " Jack whispered, crossing his arms as the cheering crowd of his newly acquired fans carried him off of safety.


	9. The Game Of Fame

CHAPTER 9: THE GAME OF FAME

The next day, all of the news reporters on TV and the Internet were clamoring nonstop over Jack's amazing feat.

"Jack's feet are so sexy that-" Whoops, sorry, wrong channel.

"Jack's recent feat yesterday was so massive that no human on Earth has ever quite been able to replicate it, even _with_ the human race having access to giant robot mech suits now. He finally defeated the infamous, morbidly obese con artist known as Mahin and ultimately saved Tokyo from sure destruction." the news reporter explained.

"However, the cost of rebuilding after the amount of damage that was clearly caused by the desperate no-holds-barred struggle between them will be, for lack of a better word, _immense._ So, Jack, how do you plea?" she asked him, leaning the microphone up to his mouth.

"All I can say is, I was kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. And now I'm all out of gum, because that greedy bastard Mahin stole most of my gum supply." Jack explained.

"Would you mind visiting Mahin in his jail cell?" the news reporter asked him.

"Sure, why not?" Jack agreed, pushing through the massive crowd of rabid Jack fangirls as he walked out the front door of the news report building and stepped into the news reporter's limousine as the two of them drove off to the prison cell where Mahin was being held.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Broken Jaw?" Jack asked him irritatedly.

"I'm so _sorry,_ Jack!" Mahin cried, collapsing onto his knees and clutching Jack's ankles. "I've been a _real_ bad boy! I let all the money and power go straight to my head, didn't I?"

"Typical politicians, always making promises they can't keep!" Jack smirked, winking smugly at his television audience, the vast majority of which were already waving Jack banners high up in the air and tossing their Jack plushies up and down with joy.

"Please, your _omnipotence,_ have _**MERCY!**_ " Mahin begged.

"Hmm...how about this? After you've scrubbed all the floors in Tokyo, _then_ we can talk about mercy! _Give him a cloning gun!_ "

Unfortunately, this was easily without a doubt the single worst idea of Jack's entire life. The resulting massively oversized swarm of Mahins went on an eating rampage, cutting Tokyo's food supply by at least 33 percent, raising its WAHAHAHAHA rate by at least 10,000 percent, and increasing its air pollution rate by at least 20 percent over the course of _just two days._ But on the bright side, they certainly did _clean_ all of the floors in Tokyo.

As a result, Jack became known as the guy who brought a swarm of gluttonous rats to the peaceful(?) town of Tokyo. Seeing that Jack and Mahin were both douchebags beyond comprehension, Daisuke Amaya decided to downscale their roles in the finished product of Cave Story, to the point where they both ended up being reduced into pathetically one-dimensional side characters.

To make matters even worse, Jack got sued by Kitaro for accidentally copying one of the boy's superpowers, since Misery's spell was somehow irreversible.

After being banished from Tokyo and sent back to Mimiga Island on a helicopter with Mahin in tow, Jack went to the local hospital in Mimiga Village and checked on King, who was still lying in his hospital bed somehow. Thankfully, Toroko was sleeping in a basket right next to him, looking just as diabetes-inducingly adorable as ever.

" _Hi, Jackie! Tee hee hee!"_ Toroko giggled, nibbling on yet _another_ chocolate-chip cookie and giving Jack a sweet sugary bunny kiss on the cheek. " _Uh-oh, my tummy's feeling wibbly-wobbly again! Owie!_ " she squeaked, falling asleep again and clutching her tum-tum as she curled back up into her signature furball shape and snoozed, with an ever-so-cute little snot bubble sticking out of her nose. " _Ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne!_ " she squeaked as she snored.

"Are you going to say something corny and sappy in hopes that it'll make him come back to life?" Mahin asked Jack sarcastically. "Please tell me you're _not._ "

" _Oh, yes!_ " Jack grinned. _"_ Yes, I am!"

Getting down on his knees next to the hospital bed and facing King's resting body, Jack began a ridiculously clichéd monologue inspired by watching way too many action flicks. "Cue the dramatic sad piano music!" Jack instructed the narrator as said music began playing.

"My _mother_ risked her _life_ for me...and now _you,_ too." Jack sobbed weakly. "I should have _saved_ you."

" _Oh dear God, he's about to deliver the worst line of dialogue in all of recorded human history, isn't he?_ " Mahin realized as Jack cradled King's limp and weak body in his arms.

"I should have been the _one_ to _fill your dark soul_ with _**LIIIGGGHHHTTT!**_ " Jack screamed at the top of his lungs, his voice cracking with such hilariously god-awful timing that it actually managed to shatter every single glass surface in the room merely from how _bad_ it was.

"Yup, you did it, you _officially_ uttered the absolute _worst_ line of dialogue I have _ever_ heard in my entire _life._ Congratulations!" Mahin laughed hysterically, giving Jack the slow-clap treatment.

As the music continued playing, Jack squeezed fake tears out of his eyes as Arthur commented on how cringeworthy his acting performance was. These tears fell directly onto King's face, waking him up.

"And now it would appear that my sheer unbridled _love_ for you has brought you back to life, King..." Jack blushed, kissing King right on the lips.

"HA! _**GAYYY!**_ " Mahin laughed.

"Wait a minute...what's that smell?" King asked.

"Jack's acting!" Mahin snickered.

"Uh-oh, I made a great big poopie-woopie in my undie-wundies! **_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_** " Toroko cried at the top of her lungs, accidentally rolling over onto her back, wiggling back and forth, and shitting out such an explosive storm of diarrhea that it actually busted a hole right through her diaper and splattered itself all over Jack's entire frickin' body from the absolutely ridiculous amount of cookies and corn she ate on a daily basis.

"Oh, what a fan-fucking-tastic way for this story to end!" Jack groaned sarcastically, rolling his eyes and wiping the half-liquid, half-undigested-corn baby excrement off of his face angrily.

"With me having to wash the fucking diarrhea-drenched _shit stains_ out of my formerly beautiful clothes! After getting sued out of not one, not two, but _**THREE FUCKING MILLION**_ dollars, all because of Misery's dreadful ignorance!" Jack sobbed.

"I think I'm going to be sick..." Arthur moaned.

"Are you alright, dude?" Mahin asked Jack as King carried Toroko out of the room and changed her diaper.

"Yeah, best day of my fucking life, asshole!" Jack stated sarcastically, looking at his ruined jacket in disgust. "Clean up this room while I go and reflect on how much my life sucks, will you?"

A week or two later, on the day when the actual Cave Story began, Jack, hoping to have a big, well-developed role in the game, ended up being demoted to the role of meaningless graveyard-guarding NPC.

"Nice job breaking it, hero." Arthur told him sarcastically.

"I'm such a failure." Jack sat down, buried his head in his hands and sobbed. "This is the end."

 **WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT TIME ON** ** _CAVERNOUS STORYBOOK?_**

 **TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!**

 **SAME** ** _CAVE_** **TIME! SAME** ** _CAVE_** **CHANNEL!**


End file.
